It can be confusing and frustrating when you find yourself reacting to a new, healthy relationship in ways that feel out of your control. Despite wanting things to go well, old wounds and fears can resurface, leading to behaviors that may hurt the relationship. These trauma responses are rooted in past pain, and they often leave you feeling sad, angry, or hopeless. But understanding why this happens can be the first step toward healing and creating a healthier connection with your partner.
How We Self-Sabotage in Relationships
Self-sabotaging behavior can take many forms, often without us even realizing it. Some common ways people act out in relationships due to past trauma include:
- Emotionally shutting down when things get too intense
- Being unfaithful (even when you don’t want to be)
- Acting passive-aggressively instead of addressing issues directly
- Trying to control or micromanage your partner
- Ghosting or disappearing from the relationship without explanation
These behaviors aren’t random—they come from deep-rooted fears developed to protect ourselves from pain. However, in a healthy relationship, these protective behaviors may end up causing the very harm you’re trying to avoid.
Why Does This Happen?
Self-sabotage and trauma responses are ways your mind and body try to keep you safe, even when they are no longer helpful in your current situation. For example:
Fear of abandonment: If you’ve been abandoned or hurt in the past, you may subconsciously try to abandon the relationship first. This could show up as emotionally withdrawing or ghosting your partner, assuming they will leave you eventually anyway.
Questioning the relationship: When love and care feel unfamiliar—especially after experiencing neglect or abuse—it may feel uncomfortable. You might start doubting the relationship simply because it doesn’t fit with what you’re used to.
Triggered reactions: Small actions, like your partner not responding to a text, can trigger old feelings of being unloved or unimportant. You may react impulsively, start an argument, or shut down, convinced that history is repeating itself.
What Happens When We’re Triggered? 3 Things to Understand
Trauma responses are your body and mind’s way of detecting a threat, even when there is no real danger in the present.
1. These trauma responses are survival mechanisms— your body is trying to keep you safe. You’re not broken or hopeless, just responding in the only way you know right now.
2. You’re more sensitive to perceived threats. Past trauma can make your brain and body wired to see danger where none exists. These reactions are not a choice—they’re your mind’s response to what it perceives as a threat.
3. Your body is remembering past pain. When you feel triggered in a relationship, it’s often because the current situation is reminding you of an old hurt or trauma. Your mind might confuse the present relationship with someone from your past, even though no real danger exists now. In this way, trauma responses are your body’s attempt to keep you safe from getting hurt again.
Understanding this is key to breaking the cycle. Once you recognize that your reactions are tied to old pain, you can begin to respond with more awareness and compassion, rather than letting the past control your present.
Once you recognize this, you can start to take responsibility for how these behaviors impact your current relationship and begin to change them. Consider seeking support from a therapist or talking openly with your partner about what you’re going through. Together, you can create a plan for handling triggers in a healthier way, which may involve processing your trauma, using self-soothing techniques, setting boundaries, or learning to communicate your emotions more openly.
Final Thoughts
If you’ve been stuck in a cycle of self-sabotage and trauma responses in your relationships, know that you’re not alone. Trauma can make it difficult to accept love and connection, but with understanding and the right tools, you can break free from these patterns and build the healthy, loving relationship you deserve.
Sarah Turc
Psychologist