Human beings are wired for connection. From the moment we are born, we seek recognition, understanding, and acceptance from those around us. These desires stem from deep psychological and social needs—being seen, heard, and accepted affirms our sense of identity and belonging. When we are embraced by others, it validates our worth and helps us feel secure in our place in the world.
However, there is a paradox that many of us struggle with. Imagine being surrounded by 100 people: 99 of them admire and appreciate you, but one does not. Instead of focusing on the overwhelming majority who validate and accept us, we fixate on the one person who does not. Why does this happen?
The Power of Rejection
Rejection triggers a primal response. Historically, being part of a group was essential for survival—exclusion could mean danger, vulnerability, or even death. Our brains are still attuned to this need for inclusion. Rejection, even in a modern context where survival is not at stake, activates the same areas of the brain as physical pain. This makes the experience of rejection feel deeply personal and painful.
In a room of 100, the approval of 99 may be comforting, but the sting of the one person’s disapproval can dominate our thoughts and emotions. It’s as if that one rejection echoes louder than all the praise combined.
The Psychological Need for Approval
At a fundamental level, we want to be liked by everyone because it reinforces our self-worth. We often seek external validation to affirm who we are and what we believe. When someone rejects or disagrees with us, it can create doubt and insecurity. We may begin to question whether the 99 people who support us truly see us, or if the one person who rejects us has insight others don’t.
The mind tends to focus more on negative experiences than positive ones, a phenomenon known as the “negativity bias.” Evolutionarily, it was important for our ancestors to pay attention to threats and dangers in their environment—this heightened sensitivity to negative stimuli helped them survive. Today, this bias makes us dwell more on rejection than acceptance, even when the latter vastly outweighs the former.
The Fear of Not Being Enough
Another reason we focus on the one person who rejects us is the fear that we are not enough. This fear often lies beneath the surface, rooted in insecurities about our worth and value. When someone rejects us, it may feel like confirmation of this fear. We wonder, “What is wrong with me?” or “Why can’t I be good enough for everyone?” This internal dialogue can spiral into self-doubt, despite the fact that the majority of people affirm our value.
Why We Should Focus on the 99
While it’s natural to be affected by rejection, it’s essential to remember that the opinions of others don’t define our worth. No one person’s judgment should have the power to undermine our sense of self, especially when most people appreciate and accept us.
Focusing on the 99 who do support us helps reinforce a positive self-image. It reminds us that we are valued and understood by the people who matter most. The key is to develop a healthy sense of self-worth that isn’t entirely dependent on the approval of others.
In conclusion, while rejection can sting and weigh heavily on our minds, it’s important to shift our focus from the one person who rejects us to the many who see, hear, and accept us. True validation comes not just from others, but from within. When we learn to trust in our own value, the opinions of the few who don’t accept us lose their power. Instead, we can celebrate the majority who do, and in doing so, live a life rooted in confidence and self-acceptance.
Daniela van Mourik,
Psychologist